I love Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire even more than I do Esquire's "What I Learned" column. But look, I'm never going to be famous enough to ever merit a page in Vanity fair and even if that miracle happens, it will take years and I don't have time to wait. So here are my Proust answers, because unlike 99 percent of the people Vanity Fair usually asks, I've actually read Proust.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Pesto on everything
What is you greatest fear?
That Jamaica will get neither better nor worse, just stay the same as it always has. Wait a minute....
Which living person do you most admire?
What is the most overrated virtue?
Restraint, especially when it comes to sex scenes in literature.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
What is your greatest extravagance?
Rare Books, Pesto and Jeans I can't afford
What is your Favourite journey?
On my way to a newly discovered used books store
On what occasion do you lie?
When dear friends ask if their babies are pretty
Which living person do you most despise
Fundamentalists who are still alive, though the dead ones aren't much better
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Actually," "Don't let that stop you," (as in "Buy me lunch." "I don't want to." "Don't let that stop you.") and saying "sigh" and "argh" instead of actually sighing or arghing
What is your greatest regret?
That I didn't write down what my Grandparents told me.
When and where were you happiest?
College, 1990 although touring Sept-Dec 2005 comes very close
What is your current state of mind?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
Did I really have to get saddled with knock-knees, God?
What is your greatest achievement?
That I've made it this far without killing a fundamentalist
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing what do you think it would be?
Anything but a chihuahua
What is your most treasured possession?
Possession is counter revolutionary
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery
Where would you like to live?
Paris, Buenos Aires, Berlin, Kinshasa and the Jamaica that Chris Blackwell lives in
What is your favourite occupation?
I'm quite taken with this writing thing actually. I think I'll give it a few go's before I quit.
What is your most marked characteristic?
A harmless cynicism, an evil scientist laugh and a knock-kneed penguin walk
What is the quality you like most in a man?
Intelligent, funny, and not in the least bit bothered that a man would answer a question like this.
What is the quality you like most in a woman?
Intelligent, funny, and asking me these questions long before I decided to write these answers.
Who are your favourite writers?
Orham Pamuk, Jose Donoso, Jane Austen, Los Bros Hernandez
Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Have no idea, but I do know that Bill Sykes still gives me nightmares. That was not an exaggeration by the way.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Patti Smith, Doctors without borders, that guy who stood in the way of the tanks during the Tiannmen square massacre. Don't worry, last time I checked I was one of two or three Jamaicans that China doesn't own yet.
What is it that you most dislike?
Fundamentalism, Christians who say they don't have a PhD but they have a G O D
How would you like to die?
In way that I don't even know that I'm dead
What is your motto?
There's always a way.
Now do one yourself. Special prize to any that I can rip off for material in my next book!